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Posted on 2008.02.06 at 15:30
Current Mood: clean
Current Music: The Get Up Kids - Hannah Hold On
So, life moves on... ever so regretfully & ever so slowly.  I still think about him almost every goddamned minute it seems, but with help from various sources I'm learning how to keep my emotions under regulation.  Even though I don't want to get through this right now, even though I just wanna give up, I know that I can get through it.  And that one day maybe my life will actually be something that I am grateful for once again.  If by some miracle Greg is in some way conscious of what I'm going through I know he'd be cheering me on to be a hardass.  It's always going to be painful to be without my soulmate, but not this painful.  At least that's what I keep telling myself...   

So much has changed since my last entry... what's new? Ehhh... nothing too exciting.

I changed my major and now I'm graduating next December!  Which is exciting.... but then I'll only have one semester off before I start to pursue grad school at either App State or UNC-Asheville.  I love Spanish, and I know I want to incorporate it into my job but I know I don't want to be a teacher at the grade school levels. Maybe a professor? Or just a translator of some kind? Who knows. It's so funny how I feel so fucking pressured to figure out the rest of my life when in reality I'm only 21 and EVERYTHING is still pretty much up in the air right now.  And I know better than most that everything you have faith in in life can change in a single moment.  So I'm trying not to stress about all this stuff. 

I've actually been out on a couple dates recently but ehh... I just don't know.  I don't know if it's just too soon after Greg's death for me to have feelings for another boy like that or if it's the boys themselves. I'm trying not to stress about all that stuff, either.  I'm just following my instincts in the moment for every moment and not worrying about the typical girl stuff "What does this mean? What does THAT mean?" I guess it's a little selfish of me, because I think some of these dudes might really be interested in me and dating right now is nothing but an experiment for me.

Georgie James' album is amazing.  As is Vampire Weekend! And the new Hot Chip is pretty decent. I love finding new music to fall in love with! 

I miss everyone from back home a lot right now, even though I was just in Boone two weeks ago.  I talk to most folks at least once a week but it's still hard being away from them.  I guess because when I'm hanging out with them it's the closest I can feel to the way things used to be.  Andy's deceitfulness/crazyness kinda complicates things if I just wanna go hang out at Matt's house but I guess looking at his track record I shouldn't really be surprised.  I guess I just put too much faith into people that I care about; in the back of my mind I knew something was wrong but I just ignored it until it was too late.  I've been over at Matt's and had a good time while ignoring Andy for the night, and though I don't prefer it that way I can do it again.  Fuck him and all the shit he does to everyone that loves him, I'll never understand it and neither will anyone else I guess.  Somewhere along the way (probably when I found out what was really going on) I just stopped caring, and I'm so thankful for that. 


  

Posted on 2008.01.07 at 02:28
Current Mood: high

....wow..   

that's it.


Posted on 2007.12.20 at 14:51
Current Mood: tired

Last Christmas was the first time I've ever had a bad holiday. I woke up that morning feeling so lonely. My apartment had long since been abandoned by my roommates, my sister was with her boyfriend, my mother was at work and my father was out of town taking care of my grandmother. Greg and I weren't spending Christmas together because he was staying with his family on leave from the Navy for the first time. I still missed him like mad even though I would be in town a few days later visiting for New Year's. I called him and I said "I'm sad. I'm lonely." He said "I'm here, baby, I love you... I'm coming to see you." It didn't matter I would be driving there in a few days. He knew I needed him RIGHT THEN. And he packed up and left the warmth of his house and his family and his friends and drove three hours through the sleet just to lay in bed with me and hold my hand. 

By the time he got to town my mother had returned home from work and my father was home and I was content, unwrapping presents with my family and eating cookies and joking around. I was no longer crying and complaining when he arrived at my parents' house, so he could have easily gotten angry that he left his family and drove for three hours. I no longer needed comfort. But he didn't get angry. He knocked on the door and as soon as I opened it I saw him standing there in the garage, dragging on a cigarette and grinning like crazy. "I love you, Kristen" he said. It was simple enough, but it's all that I wanted to hear.

We stayed at my parents' house for a couple hours, and he actually liked spending time with my family. They got him a joke gift of all the free things my parents got from work, and he was actually grateful. He let my father teach him how to play poker even though I knew he hated card games. He ate everything my mother offered him, and he genuinely liked it all. When my parents weren't around he would kiss my forehead and tell me how he couldn't wait until we were alone. 

And soon enough we were alone, back at my apartment, laying together in my bed. How different it felt at my apartment than it did in the morning: what seemed to be an empty, slient box just a few hours ago was now a warm peaceful place where I loved. It was Christmas and I was loved and young and happy and laying naked beside the only boy that I had ever really loved, a silly boy who called me names and tickled me and made fun of the dorky presents I asked for. We probably stayed there, just like that, all day.   

This Christmas, I'll still need him. This Christmas, he won't be coming for me. But I know if it was up to him, he would fight for a lot longer than three hours to get from wherever he is just so he could come to me and lay in bed with me and hold my hand. And although I may not be happy, I know that I am still loved.


Posted on 2007.12.14 at 18:22
Current Mood: clean
  His body died, but his spirit lives.
  My spirit died, but my body lives.

i used to be tropicalxlondon

Posted on 2007.11.20 at 00:49
Current Music: built to spill

i guess i just need a fresh start,
no matter how much i wish i didn't.

i'm supposed to stay in Hudson for a week sometime in December to help Judy out. as much as i love a lot of people there, it will never be the same. but i guess it's not the same here at my place, either. i'm becoming accustomed to sleeping in our bed alone, and i don't like it.

i've become something of a recluse these past few weeks. thank god i have painting to do & my keyboard to play in order to maintain what's left of my sanity. and yeah, i guess you can say the mj doesn't hurt either.

i still miss him every single second...